there's paper in my vomit.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
