I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
