I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
