i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
