My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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