i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
