im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
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IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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