I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
