bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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