two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
