At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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