OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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