we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
