my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
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Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
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I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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