There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
