it was like eating out sand paper
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
