Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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