turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Randomize
