Old men and throwing up are my life now.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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