he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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