I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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