I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
