Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I pour the whiskey from now on
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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