i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
