mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
