i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Floor bacon is actually really good
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