I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
