My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
