I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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