You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
