this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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