So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
