After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
