im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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