i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
