plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
smell my finger.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
