i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
