I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
