this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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