Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We talked him into tasing himself.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
