If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
