you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
