please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
