I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
