My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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