Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
When did angry sex become our thing?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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