i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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