And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
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i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
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Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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