Jerry, you need to find god
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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