No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
