I smell stomach acid.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?