you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
