she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
