Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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