You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
