In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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